I was never happy...

Many people see me as a happy person.
That's not what I am.
I was never happy.
I am always alone.
Alone in my own world.
I never felt the love, care and concern from others.

I seem happy because people around me make me happy.
I feel happiest when I'm with Fifi.
He's the only one who can really make me happy.
No matter how depressed or sad I am,
He brightens up my feelings everytime I see him.

In secondary school,
I never had a proper group of friends to be with.
I follow whichever group of friends accepted me in.
And leave when I know that I'm being rejected.
My friends find me only when they need help in Maths.
Because I was good in that subject.
My classmates show concern when I have difficulty,
As office bearer or medical problem.
Other times, I'm alone.

Then come JC,
There were 8 girls in the class.
There were 2 groups.
I felt more comfortable with one side and followed them along.
Then in year 2, another girl joined my class as she wants to retake her 'A's.
So there were 9 girls.
Morning assembly came.
And I'm always standing alone.

I envy those who found their partner.
Bf/Gf.
I always ask myself when will I find mine?
I almost found one.
Just that I thought it was only a close friend relationship I was going thru.
But feelings for him got deepen inside me.
And it happened that the wrong time.
By the time I told him,
He's already dating with another person.
I wasn't aware of it.

We had a long chat over msn.
And on speech, I readily take the step out.
He's been with her for 2 months.
I'll rather be the miserable ender than to let others take the misery.
I prefer to be the sacrificial lamb and make others happy.

Since I kept rejecting what people have been saying about us for months.
He thought that we can't be together.
But inside me,
I can't forget about him.
I never gave up.
I kept hoping for the day to come.
I'll just keep waiting for him, I told myself.

School is starting soon.
I guess I'll be too busy with school work to be bordered about all these.
But I'll still think of him.
At least we got the time to meet for lunch.

I never share with people all my sad things/stories.
I keep them to myself.
I guess these are only part of it which I can remember.

Sometimes I feel that there is no purpose in me to live.
I feel so miserable all the time.
I want to find a quite beach,
And sit on the breakwater,
On a cool weather,
And just look at the ships, clouds and birds far far away...

I feel very uneasy when the two of them are around me.
I don't know how to avoid them.
So I'll always keep a distance away from them.
I don't want to see/know what they are doing.
As it'll me feel even more miserable.

I want to go into deep sleep.
Sleep and never wake up...

Exams results are out!!!!!

Here goes my reults for year 2 sem 1:

Name : HENG PEI YAN
Matric No : U052803X

2006/2007 Sem 1 Examination for SCIENCE 2

Module Code Module Title Grade
MA2101 Linear Algebra II B
MA2108 Mathematical Analysis I B-
PC2130 Quantum Mechanics 1 B-
PC2193 Experimental Physics 1 B
SSA2215 The Biophysical Environment of Singapore B

CAP: 3.11

yay!!! my cap when up by 0.11.
First time see all Bs.
I missed out a 10 marks question for Analysis I and still can get B- (hmmm???),
Term test for Quantum all just pass and in the end i got B- (wow!!!).
SS essay for exam i write till i got not enough time to write down all my points and I got B (phew). -> Leo got U and have to retake another SS mod.
Experimental I think is bcos of the oral presentation which pulled me up and cover my crappy experiment on electron spin, B (O.O).
Linear II got nothing much to say. Tough mod, so abstract. Think the questions are okay. Luckily i did well for the term test (lucky me).

And i thought what happened during my exam period is gonna bring everything down.
Phew...
So scary.
cos every paper i go in and come out thinking of that issue.

Fifi's grades din make him satisfied.
Though he won Sahan in mechanics.
His cap went up by 0.05.
But it's still way far from his dream of cap 3.0
Hope that things will not be too stressful for him next sem.
With 6 mod to take and holding the position of Porject Director for Montage 2007.
I will provide him with every support and encouragement to make him study harder.


argh... bad cold cough...
*cough *cough *cough

Loneliest Christmas of my life...

I went thru the sadest, moodiest and loneliest christmas first time in my 20 years.
I kept thinking.
I kept thinking of him.
And i'm still thinking of him.

No matter how hard i try.
I just can't get him out of my mind.

Every morning i wake up,
The first thing i think of is him.
Even though I've acknowledged that he's has a gf liao,
I still misses him when he's not around.

He went to JB on fri.
I msg him and told him i'm bored working in DMC.
Then i realised that i wasn't really that bored.
It's that i missed him.
I miss his presence.
I felt so empty inside me.
There wasn't any mood for me to do anything.

I've decided what to do for his birthday.
Will not disclose it here in case he's keeping track.
But i hope i got the time to finish it.
If not then have to wait till v-day.

Sigh...
Still thinking of him...

BLOODY HELL!!!!!!

BLOODY IDIOT.....
SOMEONE JUST ROB $80 FROM MY WALLET IN DMC!!!!!
JUST WENT DOWN TO CHEERS TO BUY FOOD
COME BACK TO REALISE THAT THE OLD RECEIPT IS STICKING OUT.
OPEN AND FIND MY NOTES $$$$$ DISSAPPEARED.

THERE WERE A FEW PEOPLE WHEN I LEFT THE PLACE.
FIFI DIN SEE ANYONE TAKE THE MONEY.

WAH...
$80 IS A LOT LEH...
HEART PAIN!!!!!!

CURSE THAT PERSON WHO TOOK MY MONEY...
GET HEART ATTACK IMMEDIATELY...
HIT MY HAMMER
AND DIE MISERABLY....
*^#(*&$)#(@)^%#()(Q3$_*$_#*__)*)^@# (*&$%)

The Key to Your Heart

Hmmm...
Was reading fifi's past blog entries.
Found this and decided to giveit a try.
Here's what i got:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

$20.40

That's my cab fee for today to NUS.
With peak surcharge and ERP.
That's $2.00 each.

But y did I have to take the cab in the first place?
Cos...
Of the committee has decided to have meetings at 9am.
When only half of the com turned up today.
Not at 9am...
But at 9.30am

Meeting today was fast sia...
Ended at about 10.45am.
Hahaha.
Things work fast with less people around???

Sunshine after the Monsoon

we've cleared things up...
both party at fault i would conclude.
regret that i din reliease our relationship long time ago.
cos he dun want to say.
and i dunno that's the feeling to fall in love with someone.

hahaha

silly me...

Now we are brother and sister.
Or you can take it as very very close friends.
we talk cock anythign under the sun.
watch Girls out loud, Nip/Tuck, Prison Break together if possible.
share photography skills and learn from each other.

wah...
after the chat,
i suddenly felt so light within my heart.

yippee...

Reality?

I guess what is not meant to be there, isn't suppose to be there.
Love is just a complicated issue.
To understand it, u'll have to understand the heartbreaking way.

Maybe I was dreaming too much.
Perhaps we need to sit down privately and clear things up?

Being together most of the time with fun and laughter,
Kinda made me think that we're together.

Well... it now goes down to very close friends.

Thanks, to you know who you are for giving me the advice during the outing.

??????

wanted to blog about something relatively happier...
but suddenly forget what i wanted to blog about

hmmmmm........

Miserable me

What can i do to make HIM luv me?
What can i do to be heard?

Why do I now feel so LONELY.
Ain't my hints clear to you?

Is that what people call LOVE?

I LIKE him.
But does he like me?

I try to pretend that I'm fine.
But how long can i carry on pretending?
The bottle in my heart can't hold on any longer.

I need to cry.
I want to cry.
But I dun want him to know that I'm crying bcos of HIM.

I know I'm avoiding reality.