I was never happy...

Many people see me as a happy person.
That's not what I am.
I was never happy.
I am always alone.
Alone in my own world.
I never felt the love, care and concern from others.

I seem happy because people around me make me happy.
I feel happiest when I'm with Fifi.
He's the only one who can really make me happy.
No matter how depressed or sad I am,
He brightens up my feelings everytime I see him.

In secondary school,
I never had a proper group of friends to be with.
I follow whichever group of friends accepted me in.
And leave when I know that I'm being rejected.
My friends find me only when they need help in Maths.
Because I was good in that subject.
My classmates show concern when I have difficulty,
As office bearer or medical problem.
Other times, I'm alone.

Then come JC,
There were 8 girls in the class.
There were 2 groups.
I felt more comfortable with one side and followed them along.
Then in year 2, another girl joined my class as she wants to retake her 'A's.
So there were 9 girls.
Morning assembly came.
And I'm always standing alone.

I envy those who found their partner.
Bf/Gf.
I always ask myself when will I find mine?
I almost found one.
Just that I thought it was only a close friend relationship I was going thru.
But feelings for him got deepen inside me.
And it happened that the wrong time.
By the time I told him,
He's already dating with another person.
I wasn't aware of it.

We had a long chat over msn.
And on speech, I readily take the step out.
He's been with her for 2 months.
I'll rather be the miserable ender than to let others take the misery.
I prefer to be the sacrificial lamb and make others happy.

Since I kept rejecting what people have been saying about us for months.
He thought that we can't be together.
But inside me,
I can't forget about him.
I never gave up.
I kept hoping for the day to come.
I'll just keep waiting for him, I told myself.

School is starting soon.
I guess I'll be too busy with school work to be bordered about all these.
But I'll still think of him.
At least we got the time to meet for lunch.

I never share with people all my sad things/stories.
I keep them to myself.
I guess these are only part of it which I can remember.

Sometimes I feel that there is no purpose in me to live.
I feel so miserable all the time.
I want to find a quite beach,
And sit on the breakwater,
On a cool weather,
And just look at the ships, clouds and birds far far away...

I feel very uneasy when the two of them are around me.
I don't know how to avoid them.
So I'll always keep a distance away from them.
I don't want to see/know what they are doing.
As it'll me feel even more miserable.

I want to go into deep sleep.
Sleep and never wake up...

Exams results are out!!!!!

Here goes my reults for year 2 sem 1:

Name : HENG PEI YAN
Matric No : U052803X

2006/2007 Sem 1 Examination for SCIENCE 2

Module Code Module Title Grade
MA2101 Linear Algebra II B
MA2108 Mathematical Analysis I B-
PC2130 Quantum Mechanics 1 B-
PC2193 Experimental Physics 1 B
SSA2215 The Biophysical Environment of Singapore B

CAP: 3.11

yay!!! my cap when up by 0.11.
First time see all Bs.
I missed out a 10 marks question for Analysis I and still can get B- (hmmm???),
Term test for Quantum all just pass and in the end i got B- (wow!!!).
SS essay for exam i write till i got not enough time to write down all my points and I got B (phew). -> Leo got U and have to retake another SS mod.
Experimental I think is bcos of the oral presentation which pulled me up and cover my crappy experiment on electron spin, B (O.O).
Linear II got nothing much to say. Tough mod, so abstract. Think the questions are okay. Luckily i did well for the term test (lucky me).

And i thought what happened during my exam period is gonna bring everything down.
Phew...
So scary.
cos every paper i go in and come out thinking of that issue.

Fifi's grades din make him satisfied.
Though he won Sahan in mechanics.
His cap went up by 0.05.
But it's still way far from his dream of cap 3.0
Hope that things will not be too stressful for him next sem.
With 6 mod to take and holding the position of Porject Director for Montage 2007.
I will provide him with every support and encouragement to make him study harder.


argh... bad cold cough...
*cough *cough *cough

Loneliest Christmas of my life...

I went thru the sadest, moodiest and loneliest christmas first time in my 20 years.
I kept thinking.
I kept thinking of him.
And i'm still thinking of him.

No matter how hard i try.
I just can't get him out of my mind.

Every morning i wake up,
The first thing i think of is him.
Even though I've acknowledged that he's has a gf liao,
I still misses him when he's not around.

He went to JB on fri.
I msg him and told him i'm bored working in DMC.
Then i realised that i wasn't really that bored.
It's that i missed him.
I miss his presence.
I felt so empty inside me.
There wasn't any mood for me to do anything.

I've decided what to do for his birthday.
Will not disclose it here in case he's keeping track.
But i hope i got the time to finish it.
If not then have to wait till v-day.

Sigh...
Still thinking of him...

BLOODY HELL!!!!!!

BLOODY IDIOT.....
SOMEONE JUST ROB $80 FROM MY WALLET IN DMC!!!!!
JUST WENT DOWN TO CHEERS TO BUY FOOD
COME BACK TO REALISE THAT THE OLD RECEIPT IS STICKING OUT.
OPEN AND FIND MY NOTES $$$$$ DISSAPPEARED.

THERE WERE A FEW PEOPLE WHEN I LEFT THE PLACE.
FIFI DIN SEE ANYONE TAKE THE MONEY.

WAH...
$80 IS A LOT LEH...
HEART PAIN!!!!!!

CURSE THAT PERSON WHO TOOK MY MONEY...
GET HEART ATTACK IMMEDIATELY...
HIT MY HAMMER
AND DIE MISERABLY....
*^#(*&$)#(@)^%#()(Q3$_*$_#*__)*)^@# (*&$%)

The Key to Your Heart

Hmmm...
Was reading fifi's past blog entries.
Found this and decided to giveit a try.
Here's what i got:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

$20.40

That's my cab fee for today to NUS.
With peak surcharge and ERP.
That's $2.00 each.

But y did I have to take the cab in the first place?
Cos...
Of the committee has decided to have meetings at 9am.
When only half of the com turned up today.
Not at 9am...
But at 9.30am

Meeting today was fast sia...
Ended at about 10.45am.
Hahaha.
Things work fast with less people around???

Sunshine after the Monsoon

we've cleared things up...
both party at fault i would conclude.
regret that i din reliease our relationship long time ago.
cos he dun want to say.
and i dunno that's the feeling to fall in love with someone.

hahaha

silly me...

Now we are brother and sister.
Or you can take it as very very close friends.
we talk cock anythign under the sun.
watch Girls out loud, Nip/Tuck, Prison Break together if possible.
share photography skills and learn from each other.

wah...
after the chat,
i suddenly felt so light within my heart.

yippee...

Reality?

I guess what is not meant to be there, isn't suppose to be there.
Love is just a complicated issue.
To understand it, u'll have to understand the heartbreaking way.

Maybe I was dreaming too much.
Perhaps we need to sit down privately and clear things up?

Being together most of the time with fun and laughter,
Kinda made me think that we're together.

Well... it now goes down to very close friends.

Thanks, to you know who you are for giving me the advice during the outing.

??????

wanted to blog about something relatively happier...
but suddenly forget what i wanted to blog about

hmmmmm........

Miserable me

What can i do to make HIM luv me?
What can i do to be heard?

Why do I now feel so LONELY.
Ain't my hints clear to you?

Is that what people call LOVE?

I LIKE him.
But does he like me?

I try to pretend that I'm fine.
But how long can i carry on pretending?
The bottle in my heart can't hold on any longer.

I need to cry.
I want to cry.
But I dun want him to know that I'm crying bcos of HIM.

I know I'm avoiding reality.

why?
why?
why?

why am i not the choosen one?

why does it have to happen at this time?

why is the radio playing all the sad songs?

why did the sky started to cry at this moment?

why?
why?
why?

can you tell me why?

Manfrotto Open House

:: That Someone ::

Dun really noe where to begin.
But somehow, I always have a special feeling when he's around.
The laughter that we'll always have at all times.

But he told me that he's been hanging out lately with another person.
(He told me, not I found it out myself.)
Not someone whom I dunno,
but someone whom we know each other.

My feelings sanks when he's meeting her to study (of all people).
Dunno why I have that feeling.
It happened second time liao.
I'll just tell myself that it's study reason.
So dun think so much.

I dun intend to get anyone hurt in this situation.
And i dun want him to misunderstand me either.

Guessed that you'll know the feeling that I'm having.

Someone please advice me...

Maybe I watched too many tv..

Lowepro Open House

Hari Raya @ Pasir Ris Mangrove

I went back to the mangrove forest again!!!
Dunno why so attracted to it.

Partly is bcos the photos i took few days ago din turn out good enough.
This time, I went there in the morning.

Saw much more animals as compared in the evening.
Also, I witnessed the HIGH TIDE into the mangrove forest.

Yay...

That was a great satisfaction for me.

Took many many pictures in the mangrove.
Best return for going there so many times.

The forest activity was high.

Damn happy.

High tide + morning can see more things trust me.

I saw a snake, many species of crab which later then i know, shells, fish, puffer fish, jellyfish.

Still waiting to see the mud lobster but i think very difficult to see it.

This crabby is now on my desktop.

Chut chut with its face.

Snakkie..

Jellyfish

Birddie....

Woodpecker it is.

I borrowed boss' "water bottle", 80-200mm lens and 2x extension and went back to the Pasir Ris mangrove to do my project.
The project is about the animal diversity in the mangrove forest.
Went in the evening and it was low tide then.
Wrong choice of timing.
As it the sun was setting...
Lighting condition in the forest became low.
Luckily got tripod.
But the lens was too heavy for the tripod to support it.
End up with many blur pictures.
But i did see a lot fo animals during that time.
The birds, water monitor lizard and not forgetting the crabs in the swamps.
People always say that when you enter the mangrove forest, you'll smell a funny smell.
That din work on me.
Din smell anything funny.
Maybe it's just that i'm so used to that kind of smell.

When the sun has set, I went for Meiyun's birthday party at Aloha Changi.
Happy Birthday Meiyun.

My First Sponsor meeting

It was the time to meet one of the sponsors.
As the president, I had to arrange for the meeting.
Well...
I shall not mention who I met.

I'm not alone.
Boss brought Devid, Fifi and I to meet our sponsor.
They were people i already knew.
My very first meeting after being in the committee for 1 1/4 years.
Dunno what to tell them also.

My part was to present to them the workplan for 06/07.
And tell them how they are invloved. (Of course i din do that cos first time mah)
In the end i only run through the activities for the year and briefly explain more about it.
Then came Devid's turn to present the proposal to them.
Fifi was there to update them about DMC.
The purpose was to renew our equipments and also get new ones.
From the meeting, I found out that some of our equipment are relatively old.
It's old that the model is out of production and cirrculations withtin the office.

Luckily, they are friendly people and they guided us throughout the meeting.
If not it will be a zero information meeting.

there's always a first time for everything...

GE2018/SSA2215 Field Trip

When for field trip today at Pasir Ris Park.
My field trip was at 1pm.
Leonard and I met at Tampines mall.
We had Pasta Mania for lunch.
Then took bus down to Pasir Ris Interchange.

By the time we got there, there was already quite a number of people.
Soon after, the lecturers gathered us and got us to split into 3 groups by ourselves.
Yaohui, Leonard and I were in group 2.
Started at the mangrove station first.
That's my favourite.
Partly bcos the mangrove lecturer was the my favourite amongst the rest.
Also, I like the mangrove diversity too especially after they improved the mangrove boardwalk there.
I wanted to take photos but there were too many people around with too little time to stop.
In the end just observe the habitat first then come back later.
Couldn't finish the whole field work at the mangrove station cos we all walk too slow.
(1 hour limit for each station)

The next station was on beach formation.
Standing under the hot sun with little shade, carry my heavy camera bag with a tripod wasn't easy.
Just as I thought that we are just going to stay at one stop and listen to the lecturer talk,
he made us walk across the bridge to the other side where Downtown is.
Why???
To observe a special phenomenon that one of the breakwater built to protect the coast is now useless cos the mangrove from the mangrove forest behind had started to grow in front of the breakwater.
The mangrove has thus extended the beach to beyond that breakwater.

Finally, we had to walk all the way back to the viewing plaza to the 3rd station on soil.
So tired after walking sround for 2 stations.
The 3rd lecturer was also tired.
We all sat by the drain on the pavement and the lecturer went on to talk about the various equipment used by geologists to conduct their field work.
He also said that the equipment cna be borrowed from the department for our project.
I can assure that only a few people were listening to him.
I was sitting down there stonning.
Leonard fell asleep.
Then we moved out to the bank of Sungei Api Api and the lecturer mentioned that river formation is also his special field.

The field trip ended at 4pm.
Leonard and I went to mac at White Sands to rest.

Driving Licence?

To all my friends out there....

I PASS MY DRIVING TEST!!!!
Tester Name: Chirstopher Ho
Place: Ubi CDC
Time of test: 4.30pm

Did i make the right choice?????

I just had my 5th committee meeting as the president of the 38th Management Committee.
Really begin to think whether i had really made the right choice by running in the committee again.
I wanted to try for Presidency and I got it.
But i din expect my committee to be like this.
No matter how hard i tried, i just can't get the things into their heads.

At certain point during my office, i had wanted to give up and quit.
But my inner self has reframe me from doing so cos of the future of NUSPS.
I din quit cos I want to lead the society into a brighter land.
I tried to lead the committee.
Some how, they are stuck to the ground by some strong magentic and refused to move on.
Expect for a "few".

At every meeting, I almost repeat the same thing all over again to them.
Hoping that one day, they will get it into their BRAINS.
The seniors are telling me not to give up and I need to give them more time.
Time???
It's been 5 meetings and still no sign of improvements???

All these are very taxing on me.
I'm getting more and more troubled and stessed very tiem i try to think about the next agenda and think about what to say to the committee.

I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!

I've reached my breakdown stage.
Really, really, really want to find some place and hide there and cry.
Cry for long time...
And I can feel that it will come very soon.

I never thought that it will be so stressful.
Perhaps I'm just too stressed about my Quantum Mechanics test and so many lab reports I've yet to finish typing.
I haven't even had proper time to sit down during my term break (now) to study....

I'm sad... :(

I'm feeling sad....
After my driving lesson.
I already had 10+ lessons and I'm still so lousy.
I can't even stop the car properly.
I can speed the car up properly and smoothly but I can't bring the car to stop gradually.
what's wrong with me?

everytime i drive, my instructor will always find fault
evertime is always the same mistake.

I think i'm not fit to be a driver.
just wait for my mr right to drive me around?????

To run or not to run.That is the question.

The 37th management committee is coming to an end soon.
AGM is apporaching.

That makes me think again whether I want to run again for 38th or not.
I wanted to take a break for one year then come back during my 3rd year.
But after what boss told me made me think twice.

I'm now considering the posts between President and Vice-president.
But I not that good in doing PR.

Hmmm...
Now lies the question.
To run or not to run????

37th MC retreat, 26th July - 28th July @ Aloha Changi Cottage

Went for my committee retreat at Aloha Changi Cottage.
Hmmm...
Of all things, forget to take pictures of the cottage that we stayed in.
Btw, they got funny check-in and out timmings.
Check-in after 4pm have to check out by 9.30am.

Day 1:
Boss picked me up at almost 4pm and we went down to Changi Village.
The house was rather nice, with big gates guarding the driveway that says Changi Cottage.
They had super huge rooms with few beds.
There was a need to go thru the check list to make sure that everything is in available.
Gerald, Teng yong, vincent and I later went out to TM to do grocery shopping for the BBQ and breakfast.
Guess what????
We kept to the $200 budget Leonard gave at NTUC only.
hahaha

Taken by fifi on the way back form ubin.

Some fact about this house:
MM Lee stayed in this house during the period to independence as he was the "wanted" man.

Bought Nasi Lemak from the hawker centre at Changi Village for dinner on the way back.
After dinner was games.
Mahjong for most of us.
Some had 1-1 session with Boss.
And I had to marinate and prepare some of the BBQ food.
The night was also DVD marathon night.
There was Over The Hedge, Cars, Pink Panter.
All sponsored by Teng Yong.
Day 1 ended at 4.30am the next morning.

Day 2:
I had plans to wake up at 6am to shoot the sunrise.
Set the time on the alarm in the phone and forgot to switch it on.
Teng yong came in to wake me up.
But I just said no cos i was too tired to wake up.
One sunrise missed.

Finally woke up at about 8.30am for breakfast.
We had micro-waved pizza and herb bread.
The whole group almost finished the food for 2 breakfast in one breakfast.
Packed our gears and moved out for the Ubin trip.

Eugene was still sleepy cos he only had a few hours of sleep.
46mm, f11, 1/50s

27mm, f11, 1/40s

62mm, f5.6, 1/100s

This wasn't any ordinary Ubin trip you will go for.
It was "Tour de Ubin".
The small scale of Tour de France.

We rented bikes and off we went.
First pit stop at the temple on the western part of Ubin.

70mm, f5.6, 1/50s

70mm, f5.6, 1/125s

In we went, riding the dirt tracks towards the quarry, Tian Chi.
Kelvin says that the place had been fenced up.
But the fence only cover a small length. It's just to block out the entrance.
The group found another path in on the left.
Nah... I didn't go inside to see the quarry.
Playing safe???

27mm, f11, 1/160s

29mm, f11, 1/60s

18mm, f11, 1/80s

34mm, f11, 1/40s

18mm, f11, 1/160s

After the quarry, we rode back towards the ferry point to meet Satya.
Along the way we stopped at one of the villagers' house for a drink.
Nice cold drink.

18mm, f5.6, 1/100s

44mm, f5.6, 1/15s

25mm, f5.6, 1/10s

18mm, f5.6, 1/15s

And we also stopped by the beach and saw a number of dead horse shoe crab.

Dead horse shoe crab.
70mm, f6.3, 1/400s

The abandoned tortise sand mould.
70mm, f6.3, 1/1000s

After all that standing in the sun, we finally rode back to the ferry point to meet Satya.

Lunch time was at the malay food house.
Only left with Mee Rebus, a expensive one.
$2.50 per plate when the serving was only worth $1.50.

Quite a rest before our next destination: The Malay Village.
Riding on the tarred road was fun with gentle slopes here and there.
But I got tried cycling up hill.
Panting all the way while pushing the bicycle.
And all the wind streaming thru your ears when you go downhill.
Weeeeeeeeeeee..............

But we couldn't find the Malay Village.
Along the way, we saw people walking off the main road with their bicycle parked by the road side.
They are looking for DURAINS. O.O

We actually found a barrier that blocks the path to Chek Java.
So since we cannot find the malay village, Kelvin suggested that we take the dirt path to Chek Java.
Sad thing was that we couldn't find the route to Chek Java cos got blocked out.
And little did we know that the path was uphill.
wah......
So tiring...
I realised that you need some skills in riding the bike cos you'll have to know what gear to use.

So, no Malay Village and no Chek Java.
Off we go to get back to the town centre.
We stopped at the basketball court for the group photo.

24mm, f8, 1/60s

24mm, f8, 1/80s

Yup, went back to return the bicycle and off Ubin we go.
Back to the cottage for BBQ.

Vincent on the boat ride back.
35mm, f8, 1/125s

Kelvin boy boy... Argh, my hand shake
70mm, f5.6, 1/250s

Shot by Fifi:

The 2 good buddies are learning how to peel garlic and onions.
they belong to the group of foreign students who don't cook.

Kelvin and Eugene.
Fire starters.

Me, helping Vincent to peel carrots while waiting for the prawns to thaw.
Vincent making his pasta.

Gerald zhnging the photos.

Seaside view from the Cottage.

View of the living room of the Cottage.

Chiong mahjong till the midnight.
Boss fell asleep at about 11.30pm.
We played till about 1.30am and wanted to go and sleep.
Then Boss suddenly woke up saying that he wants to bring us to see the transversite.
hahaha...
They really are no diff from woman.

Day 3:
Woke upat about 8.30am.
Packed my bag.
Use the microwave to cook frozen hotdogs and crabsticks and otah.
Took quite some time as the food are really frozen from the freezer.
Straight from the freezer and into the microwave.
Yit leong added the rest of the cheese onto the hotdogs to make cheese hotdog.
I had to bring home a lot of stuff cos i got the styrofoam box.
Those in the fridge went into the box.
Pack and pack, throw and throw.
And I thought that the food that we bought was just nice.

The staff came to check the meter for air-con and check-out.
Off we go.
Bye bye Changi Cottage.

On the way back, boss drove us round the area.
Showed us another nice Aloha house right at broadwalk area.
It was under renovation.
Then he drove pass the commando camp old and new.
And he wanted to show the 2 good buddies the Old Changi Hospital building.
So we made one round back to Changi Village again and up the slope to see the Old Changi Hospital.
If we had more time, we may have explored the place.

Sigh...
End of Retreat.

Yeh...
I got my D70s with kit lens

Now have to save for SB800, dry cabin...

BAD driving

aiyah...

2 weeks no driving lesson cos the instructor went for eye operation.
had my first drving lesson on wednesday afternoon after 2 weeks of break.
damn was it very bad.
cannot turn at the traffic junction properly,
cannot keep to the lane properly,
stalled the car quite a lot of times, cos stil cannot catch the biting point
kana wacked by my instructor till hell.

damn my stupid legs...
damn the stupid car,
damn the stupid ubi test routes with so many cars parking at the road side.
damn the stupid clutch...
damn my poor psyco-motor skills...

next lesson will be next week sat after my retreat.

I want THIS>>>>>>

or THIS>>>>>

and THIS>>>>>>

ANd much much more... ...

But I can't afford the D200.
So maybe juz stick to the D70s.

I wanna watch this:

Community Clicks - Round 1

-> Round 1 <-
Date: 9th July 2006
Location: Geylang Serai Community Club Time: 10am
Objective: To shoot people, places and things.
Equipment: D100 wif 24 - 70 mm (courtesy of jx)

Yup.
That's what I did yesterday wif another 2 friends of mine, xinyi and mei zhen.
Reaching the community club slighty after 10am cos we thought the cc was near Eunos mrt. FYI, that one is called Kampong Ubi CC.
Later we found it's exact location: Near Tk sec.

Think we misunderstood.
We were told by Cosgrove to shoot somethign bold and tight composition.
In the end, we were more out of topic.

Here's what I shot:

62mm, F5.6, 1/60s

70mm, F5.6, 1/40s

70mm, F5.6, 1/500s

70mm, F5.6, 1/125s

70mm, F5.6, 1/400s

34mm, F5.6, 1/125s

70mm, F4.5, 1/125s

24mm, F4.5, 1/1000s

The photos above were taken near the President's home...
Take note that this time, President refers to S'pore's not PS'.

70mm, F4.5, 1/125s

70mm, F5.6, 1/125s

65mm, F5.6, 1/90s

70mm, F5.6, 1/125s

34mm, F5.6, 1/320s

34mm, F5.6, 1/60s

70mm, F5.6, 1/20s

70mm, F5.6, 1/45s

I submitted the letter box landscape one.
It was a rainny sunday.
We went for lunch at Joo Chiat.
Ate the Fei Fei Won Ton Mee.
Juz as we were about to walk back, it started to rain heavily again.
Sigh...

Took a cab back to the cc.
Sat down and watch the slide show of the entries.
Guess who the judges were???
1. John Cosgove
2. Some founding member of the Nature Photographic Soc!!!!
3. I dunno who.

With one nature photographer as judge, 4 out of the 10 selected prints were flowers.
My friends and i see no link to Geylang Serai wif flowers.
Having landscapes and humans as sleceted ones i dun mind, but flowers???

Trying my luck at Tampines next... ...